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When James Deen tweeted that he was accepting submissions from regular folks like me to film scenes with him I laughingly turned to my coworker and said, "Oh, let's submit!

A few hours later I received an email from his model coordinator letting me know I was oh-so-adorable and if it wasn't too last minute could I pop up to New York next weekend to shoot some porn y'all!

That's when I realized we were actually talking about porn here. I went back and forth, listing the usual pros and cons:.

I considered what this could mean for my future as a standup comic, or as a person. I don't have any religious or emotional ties to sex.

I don't think I'm going to hell nor do I think you have to be in love to do the deed. You see, if those two factors were really an issue then women wouldn't get wet and men wouldn't get erect unless we were happily married.

That's not how the human body works, however, so it seems like we were built for sexual speed as opposed to marital comfort, at least physically.

I finally decided to do it for the simple reason of: why not? As a female standup comic, and as a female human being, I've heard all manner of horrible things said about me, most of which are unfounded.

People are going to think or say terrible things about you regardless of what you do in life so you might as well have some control over it.

I can't stop a man on the street from attempting to secretly undress me using his brain when I walk by, but I can ensure that he has to pay X amount of dollars to actually see it so It helps that James Deen is what I like to call a bit of a hipster porn star.

He is respected both within and outside of the porn community and feminists the world over really dig him. Why he's even done a non-pornographic film written by the amazingly talented Bret Easton Ellis and starring the formerly talented Lindsay Lohan.

This wouldn't have happened if it was with 95 percent of the men I've seen doing porn The first thing I wanted to do was tell my mother about my plan this is a great sentence to write immediately after referencing big dicks.

My mother is fairly progressive. She's not the inappropriate drinking with her underage children cool mom. She's just very forward-thinking.

I knew she wouldn't disapprove and would only be concerned in the way a mom would be in a situation like this. I told her while we were in the car.

As I was assuring her that nothing could go wrong, literally as I am uttering the words; a story came on NPR about a recent HIV outbreak in the porn industry.

The first rule of porn club is, get tested. The second rule of porn club is, get tested. The third rule of porn club is, smile! Let me be very clear about one thing I do not like needles.

Could it possibly be because they are so large it would appear they are about to penetrate your very soul.

Could that be it??? It's probably because I have small veins, or so I've been told. It takes even the most accomplished nurse at least two tries before they can find one, all while giggling about how tiny they are.

This trip to the doctor was no exception. Although this time was extra fun because they required three vials of my blood.

I assume that's one vial for every letter in HIV. Jesus Christ. I almost died. Lucky for me I aced that test. I am Less Than Patient Zero. I shared the good news with Deen's press agent and received this email from Mr.

Deen himself:. I immediately felt comfortable. I had never seen any of his films. Friends that had told me he was occasionally somewhat rough with women but this email proved that all activities were decided upon beforehand and it let me know that this is MY porn and I'll cry, get spanked, get tied up if I want to.

During the course of our exchanges we discussed how we wanted things to go. James told me that if there was no sexual chemistry we could just hang around and joke all day.

No sexual chemistry? What does that say about me? I envisioned Deen not really "feeling it," so I would just do 20 minutes of standup in some hotel room for him.

Cum here often? Not today I guess. I just flew in and boy are my arms tired guess I'll just nap in front of the TV no sex here. Do not look behind the curtains.

Nothing to see folks. I'm very good at travel research. I weirdly love planning a trip almost as much as I love going on the trip itself.

I started researching hotels in New York with only one criteria in mind: find a room that is the least porntastic as possible.

Out of curiosity I watched one of Deen's amateur videos. The only thing I could think the entire time was why didn't this girl make her bed? I could not get past the fact that her bed was so disheveled.

I was determined to avoid a similar fate. Once I found a lovely room I booked my train and that was it.

The first thing I did when I checked into the hotel was take note of the two giant red velvet chairs that were not pictured on the website.

Sometimes the best get laid plans I went to the gym for obvious reasons then proceeded to treat the whole affair as if I were going to prom.

I showered and shaved everything. I looked around the room and had bizarre thoughts like: Should I leave the book I'm reading on the nightstand?

Maybe I should put my laptop away. I don't want the whole world to see what my laptop looks like. It didn't occur to me that the whole world was about to see what my lap looked like, my naked lap.

The room felt a little warm so I decided to adjust the temperature to, you guessed it, 69 degrees. There was a knock on the door and I opened it while brushing my teeth.

I'm late to everything, including my own porn movie. TOMT for the things you wouldn't want your mother to see. This is a safe place for any fetish, any orientation, any desire, and any request.

Don't judge. Unless it's illegal, obviously. If your post contains a Motherlesss link, it will be permanently caught in the spam filter.

There's nothing we can do about it. Link shorteners won't work. Find another link or indicate the video without linking directly to it.

A lot of posts get stuck in the spam filter. If it's been half an hour and your post hasn't shown up in the new queue , message the mods.

Imagetwist is not an acceptable image host, nor is 4chan. Imgur and Minus are preferred. Please include [TOMP] and some useful description in your title, so people will know whether they have any chance of helping you.

This saves time for the people who like to solve things, which helps everybody. If at all possible, responses should include a link to a source.

But ideas on where to look won't be turned down. If you have an answer, post it in the text of your comment. Porn links go down all the time.

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